Sigh

Thursday, September 14th, 2017 17:39
zimena: A cup with a hot drink inside. A heart drawn into the liquid, and the text "Coffee, love?" diagonally across the pic. (Misc - Coffee)
My life is a mess at the moment. Or maybe it's me (and my mind) who's a mess, take your pick.

I'm in that mood where everything - even otherwise enjoyable things - feels like a chore. I don't want to do anything, yet I'm also annoyed when I don't get anything done. I don't want to talk to people, yet I feel bad for not talking enough/not giving others enough attention. Generally speaking, I feel bad at this Being A Human Being thing.

It's a miracle that I even manage to make coffee for myself. Even that feels like a big chore, and it's - what? - a task that takes a few minutes, maximum.

It'll pass. I know that, because it always does.

I'm just not very happy with myself and my way of dealing with reality at the moment.

Laminator woes

Wednesday, August 9th, 2017 14:48
zimena: Cross-country skier Johannes Høsflot Klæbo looking even more gorgeous than usual. (Scenery - Sundown)
It seems I managed to kill off my trusty old laminator. I've been printing out the competition schedules for the Athletics World Championship every day this week. Last night, when I had finished laminating the last few sheets, so that I now have the whole schedule until the competitions finish on Sunday, I was just going to look for a suitable piece of paper to pull through the laminator to remove excess glue.

I was going to go to bed afterwards, so I might have been a bit tired. Not making excuses here, but that's the truth.

Then... while I wasn't paying attention... the laminator had somehow grabbed the bookmark I had on my desk - a nice one, with a "nice" pom-pom-like-thingy on one end. I tried to pull the bookmark from its grasp, of course, but it insisted on trying to pull it through the machine. That isn't a very smart move with a thing that has a pom-pom on one end. Needless to say, the bookmark came out as normal on the other side, but the pom-pom got stuck in the machine. I've been trying all sorts of things to get it out, but I'm having no luck. What's more, the machine now refuses to heat up as normal, and it also doesn't grab regular paper if you try to pull a sheet through. I was hoping that it would at least do that, and then perhaps some part of the pom-pom would come out with the paper, so that I could grab it with a suitable tool and pull out the rest.

No such luck. And I still don't quite understand how it managed to eat the bookmark to begin with... I know I was tired, but that tired...?
zimena: A cup with a hot drink inside. A heart drawn into the liquid, and the text "Coffee, love?" diagonally across the pic. (Misc - Coffee)
I'm having one of those days where nothing gets done, and I don't feel like getting started on absolutely anything. I have a few things to do - grocery shopping, try to hang the outdoor carpet on our veranda over the edge/railing (?) of the veranda, so that it can dry after the recent heavy rainfall, try to make a list of tasks and then call someone about getting the front of the house painted...

... the latter task is not even my task that much. Mom is probably going to make the call once we have that stupid little list ready.

The shopping and the carpet, though? Wouldn't take me too long, either, but I just have absolutely zero energy to do it.

I'm not even doing useful things on the computer today. I'm practically just clicking around mindlessly, reading messages that I have already seen, playing brain-dead games that do not even make me think, or just generally sit around feeling annoyed at myself for being plain and uninteresting and boring, even online.

Not saying this to fish for compliments and make you tell me that I'm not... just saying it because that's how I feel right now.

Also, I'm - for the n'th time - considering installing Ubuntu alongside macOS. I had a dual-boot system a few times before, but I never truly found a good use for Linux as long as I still also love macOS and have a good system for everything on here. I can't help it; I'm fascinated with how Ubuntu looks, and I want to try out some interesting and unique window managers. Ratpoison seems especially cool - yes, to me it would be fun to learn something like that. Would also be fun to use if I'm going to show someone something on the computer, and then the system would have no menu line or other obvious way of opening applications. I'm trying to imagine the "huh?" look on the other person's face :)

... but of course, if I'm going to get there, I have to learn this myself first. And I guess installing Ubuntu purely as a learning environment (and, let's face it, also for the learning experience of getting it installed alongside OS X, even though I have done that before) would be a lot of work for a not-so-obvious reward? Because... what am I actually going to do with it, once I have it up and running?

Driving note

Sunday, July 9th, 2017 10:58
zimena: (Misc - Doll-like woman)
How do you get comfortable with driving, anyway?

I've been working on it for months now, and I still feel shit at it. What's more, I promised to go for at least a short drive today, and I'm dreading it to the point that I feel sick. I'm literally in pieces inside.

...about something I technically know how to do?! Really?!
zimena: Beautiful, somewhat scary woman. (Misc - Mystery Ana)
I had The Big Cleaning And Tidying Day today. My bedroom has been in need of cleaning and tidying for some time now, but somehow I kept postponing it. Today I not only cleaned everything, but I also cleared my desk and some other random stuff that has been lying around since forever.

...of course you might argue that I only cleared the desk because I need space to properly see what I'm gonna pack for the Portugal trip when the time comes, but let's not talk about that. Instead, let me enjoy the feeling of accomplishment after getting this done after postponing it a number of times before.

On a different note, I got a new haircut the other day. It looked okay when I was at the hairdresser's, and it still feels good to have short hair again (as opposed to the unruly mess I had before the haircut. Even my hairbrush wouldn't comb through it, and I had to comb it in two layers, kinda). There is, however, one comment from the hairdresser that is starting to bother me now - even though I didn't react to it that much when I was actually there.

Let's just say I've had the same general short hairstyle for years. I usually just comb all my hair backwards, and when it's newly cut, it should be short enough to stand upwards a little bit - but there should still be enough hair left that it can fall generally in a backwards direction. So, not so short that there are just a few centimetres of hair left, but also not so long that it falls out of shape - it'll do that after a couple of weeks, though.

Usually this explanation gets me what I want, even though I hate explaining which haircut I want. I'm always afraid that I'll get something totally different... and this time that was exactly what happened. When the hairdresser was done, my hair was kind of generally in a "round" shape. I pointed out the problem of that to her, and she kinda fixed it a little bit, but even now you can still see that basic shape. When I tried to point out this to her, she said this: "I can't really cut more than I did now. And I tried to make a nice and feminine-looking shape."

You know what? FUCK YOU AND YOUR ATTEMPTS AT TRYING TO MAKE ME FIT YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF FEMININITY! FUCK IT, SERIOUSLY!

Okay, angry outburst aside, this makes me more furious the more I think of it. While it is true that she couldn't really cut much more hair, she could have simply asked if she had any doubts about what I said. I have no desire to do things that would make me fit some random person's standard of femininity. In fact, I have no desire to look feminine at all - and if I do it's either by coincidence or by annoying facts of life.

I mean, I tried to show her what I usually do to my hair, so I don't understand why she couldn't just do what I asked. It's not like I could have stopped her earlier either, because when you're sitting there getting your hair cut, the hairdresser puts all sorts of pins and things in it, and you can't really tell what she's doing until it's done. Even then, I need to touch it and wash it myself before I'm completely sure what the new cut is like.

Somehow, her comment about femininity bothers me more and more. When she said it, I just wanted to get out of there and be done with the whole thing, so I tried to not take it to heart too much. Now that I've had time to think of it, I can't stop thinking of how rude and hurtful and infuriating it was.

I kind of want my hair to grow out again as soon as possible, so that I can go and get my usual cut again soon. Perhaps the current cut isn't "ugly" either, but it's not me and not what I asked for and the shape just bothers me a lot because of everything I said above.
zimena: Cross-country skier Johannes Høsflot Klæbo looking even more gorgeous than usual. (Scenery - Pink beach)
I managed to make up for much of yesterday's unproductiveness today. Well, to some extent, at least. Even though I slept until about 10am, I also got a lot of housework done - changing bedsheets, vacuuming, laundry, picking up dry leaves from the veranda... this type of stuff. I even managed to put much of the laundry outside to dry... at least until it started raining anyway, and I had to take it back inside, blah. I guess it still counts as the first attempt at drying clothes outside this year, though.

In other not-very-new news... I hate dealing with people sometimes. Some time ago I had to call to that place I was at in Stavanger for the meeting a couple of weeks back, because they had forgotten to give me a couple of papers that I need to send in along with another official form. Fine, they promised to send me the needed papers immediately. Of course, their version of "doing something immediately" also included forgetting it once, so that I had to call them about it again the other day. Then, today the letter finally arrived... and it included only one out of three needed papers. SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, CAN YOU PLEASE DO THIS CORRECTLY, without me having to call you up 3-4 times about the same thing?

Luckily it seems I could get the other two papers from elsewhere as well, so I'm going to try to see if that works first. I'm not too keen on yet another phone call to the Stavanger people. It's not that they're not friendly enough on the phone.... but... yeah, I'm sure you can understand my frustration.

My headache from yesterday has faded today... but these people might just give me a new one before they know it.

Okay, enough pointless whining about this, because there are many nicer topics to talk about instead. For example, the fact that the cross-country season isn't quite over yet. Well, it's over as far as important races go, but there are still races in various places. From what I know, Johannes is going to be in Sweden for something called "Fjälltopploppet" ("the mountaintop race") from tomorrow until Sunday, and he's competing in all four races that make up the program for the weekend. A sprint race tomorrow, a 100m supersprint on Friday, the so-called mountaintop race on Saturday... and some type of cross-country-ski-cross-showrace-thingy on Sunday.

The latter is something I have never even heard of, but it's apparently a competition where kids and teens compete in both downhill skiing and technical cross-country skiing. From there, they can qualify for a final round, where they get to race against someone famous. Apparently the kids will get a head start, to even out the difference in strength and skills, and give them a fair chance of "beating" one of their idols.

Can I just say that I love that Johannes is going to be there for something like this? It will mean so much to those kids, I'm sure... and it's also nice to think that he's one of the stars at such an event now.

Oh, and because I have a hard time stopping myself once I've started talking about him, I can also mention that he posted another vlog post. Mostly about the national championship races last weekend, but also with some very nice clips of him lying in bed talking about random randomness from that day or next day. There is especially one clip where he's quite obviously stretching in such a way that he's using both sides of the bed... and smiling while doing so! I think you can imagine me wondering who he was rooming with this time... ;)

Also, I've been meaning to screencap both that and one other moment since I saw the video, but it doesn't seem like I'm getting around to it today. Therefore, I also need to tell you about this as well.

Maybe you remember my surprise at him competing at the 50km during the weekend? It was his first competitive race over such a long distance and in this format, so he has quite a bit to say about it on his vlog... and he's... wait for it... standing shirtless in the snow talking about how he is so tired and hurting after that race! He also says that he needs a couple of things now - namely these: "candy, candy, candy, candy, candy... and painkillers!"

I love him so much, okay?

Whiiiine

Monday, March 6th, 2017 14:41
zimena: A cup with a hot drink inside. A heart drawn into the liquid, and the text "Coffee, love?" diagonally across the pic. (Misc - Coffee)
The workers are still here. And I've been up since 6am, so I'm tired. I want sleep. And writing time. And my computer back. Maybe I don't mind the work itself that much, because at least the result will be good. But sitting around for hours and hours doing nothing? THAT is maddening. I can't even write (on paper), because my desk has been taken out from its usual place, and the living room table is full of tools and materials and stuff.

At least Zelda is going well. Learned some combat techniques now, and found Kakariko Village. Walking between places (before you can warp to them) takes ages, though. The world is huge, really.

EDIT: Workers finished for the day. There's still a bit left for tomorrow, though - but hopefully I won't have to get up madly early then.
zimena: Cross-country skier Johannes Høsflot Klæbo looking even more gorgeous than usual. (Default)
I hate stress and lack of time so much.

Today I had almost no online time, and I have a thousand things to do here. I have a fic to finish - and it's missing a minimal amount of text before it's done, so I really want to work on it - and I also have some icons I'd like to make and some other things I'd like to write.

Half an hour of online time in the morning, and another twenty minutes now feels almost like mockery, because neither block of time is enough to truly "get into" any of the things I'd like to do.

Yes, I know I'm a computer/internet addict, and that I might have the wrong priorities sometimes, but this is still important to me, so... yes, I get annoyed if I don't have enough time here.

On a more positive note - I have a Passion Planner now, and it's absolutely gorgeous!

A few notes

Sunday, February 5th, 2017 18:06
zimena: Cross-country skier Johannes Høsflot Klæbo looking even more gorgeous than usual. (Default)
* I've realised that I've been going over a year without writing any fic at all. The last fic I wrote is from December of 2015, and that was a birthday fic. The last one I wrote based on my own ideas (as in, not a request/prompt/gift/otherwise tailor-made to someone or something outside of my own mind) is from September of 2015. Thanks to a conversation with [personal profile] gobtastic, I suddenly want to write again. I even have a couple of ideas, but shaping them into something decent might still take quite a bit of time. At least the desire to write is back, which is a good thing, I guess.

* I've been playing Aardwolf again for a few days. It's such a great MUD. Somehow I tend to go through phases of playing it or not playing it, though. How about, you know, playing consistently a little bit regularly, not for hours on end, then not at all for weeks?

* I haven't mentioned it here yet, but I ordered a Passion Planner, and I can't wait for it to arrive. I'm so excited about this! Maybe I need to calm down with the planner mania and using too many of those things/always switching between different ones, but I just couldn't resist. This one seems so beautiful.

* Finally, you might know that driving is... let's just say it's not something I like to do. Even though I've had my driving license for years, I hate driving and avoid it to the best of my ability. I wish I could get over that feeling, though... and the only way to do it is probably to drive more? So, I'm trying... and I went driving around town for a bit today. Gah, I hate streets with cars parked on both sides, narrow spaces where the roadworks are, too many cars around me... and just generally the feeling of being the person in the driving seat. I wish I could just magically feel at least reasonably confident doing this, but... nah, not likely.
zimena: Cross-country skier Johannes Høsflot Klæbo looking even more gorgeous than usual. (Default)
I'm not very good at talking with people. If I need to talk to someone about something that matters even a tiny bit, I always go over the conversation a zillion times in my head. During this process, I look for any arguments that may come up against the point I'm trying to make, try to perfect my response to those, and otherwise plan out what to say and how to word it in the best way.

Of course, people don't usually follow my carefully planned script, so I end up having to make up answers on the go anyway.

I've been told numerous times that I need to stop doing this; that it makes no sense to plan out hypothetical conversations that end up being nothing like what I planned. However, I still need my planning, and to me it's still helpful even if the actual conversation is different from the one I played out from "every possible" angle in my mind.

Just the other day I sort of ended up being forced to explain something without having had the chance to go over it in my mind beforehand. To me it wasn't anything difficult, explaining it sounded easy enough... but once I started talking about it, my thoughts came out disjointed and meaningless - at least in the ears of the other person. Everything still made sense in my own head, though.

I think this little story explains why I prefer writing over talking... and why planning is necessary.

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